bribsu71

Schedule

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 15:22:14 GMT

Nothing real exciting to post right now, but people like it when I say *something*. So, here is my schedule:

Today – On air til noon. Then getting ready for friend Joshua’s graduation party. One of the sweetest guys on the planet…and taken….but still a terrific friend. Probably the only gay guy who actively flirts with me. It’s really cute and fun.

Tonight – Will be hoping for dinner plans.

Tomorrow – Church in a.m. Then shopping in the afternoon. Then dinner group in the evening at Dale’s. Should be fun.

Highlights of the week to come:
- Dinners hopefully with Terry, and hopefully Carolyn, too.

- Playing mingle music for TCOM banquet Wed. night (wishing I had not reduced my fee for them – I did it just to be nice, and because they’re letting me eat there).

- Hopefully getting contact lenses ordered! (allowing me to wear a pair of thin glasses instead of thick ones).

- Indiana Public Radio $10,000 1 day Power Drive. Please, God. Let us raise that money in a DAY and not have to go into Day 2.

IMs, Blogs, and 3:30am

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 08:27:43 GMT

Why can’t I sleep? I don’t get it. I am tired. I am sitting up in bed. Perhaps if I were to lay down (or lie down, whichever my high school English teacher would like), then maybe I would fall asleep. But the truth is, I just haven’t wanted to sleep yet.

I’ve been IMing folks, trying to figure a few technical things out. I dropped GayOL finally, but now I realize that I can actually still retain my old screen names. So, I never needed to drop my old “Xman47303” AIM screen name. But I’ve gone to hell and back to get people to learn my new “XmanRadio” screen name. Oh well. I like it better, actually.

Why XMan you ask? Well, thanks for asking. I get that question a lot. My last name is “Eckstein,” and it gotten shortened, so that all people would have to say is, “X” instead of “Eckstein.”

Ironically, Brian X was my pretend radio name as a kid. Then when I got my first commercial job, I went on-air as “Brian X.” All the schedules the PD made up had “Brian X” on it, or, “X.” People would leave me notes, and put a great big “X” on it, signifying the note was for me.

I guess I am okay with everyone calling me “X” or “Xman.” It’s definitely a nickname that stuck.

Also, we have two Brian’s in our office, and to keep us separate, I am always called “X.” My students call me “X.” I guess I don’t mind it. It’s kind of cute. But, people start thinking I’m into the Xmen comics, or, that it is in some way connected to Malcolm X. Nope. None of the above. It’s just short for my last name.

My AIM name is now XmanRadio, as I mentioned. Speaking of Instant Messenger: I sometimes wonder this: I love AIM. I enjoy talking to my friends all over the country. It is a great way to stay in touch, and I do spend a fair amount of time IMing. Although, less than I used to. Partly, I was spending a lot of time at work IMing, when I should have been getting things done. Also, I get so many interruptions at work, or, I walk away from my desk and forget to sign off or put my Away message on, and then I have a couple GCN folks who tend to get upset if I am not right there to respond. So, on busy days, I don’t even sign on now.

And then I wonder to myself if I’m really too old to IM. I mean, I have to admit that sometimes it can be juvenile. More than half my students are on AIM, and I often IM them or they IM me. Is that appropriate for a supervisor? It is indeed a great way to get a hold of them, plus, it’s fun, and easier than sending an email. This whole idea of the appropriateness of IM was a persistent question for me, until just tonight, when clarity came in the form of an email from a television colleague who’s moved away, and emailed back his contact info. In his contact info, he included his AIM name. This is a guy who’s definitely older than me, makes much more money, and has more friends. And, if he’s giving out his AIM name, then I guess I don’t need to worry nor feel guilty about IMing my students or anyone else.

Plus…I never try to pry for anyone’s screen name or whatnot. I give mine out, and it’s up to the other person if they want to give me theirs or not. I am very sensitive about respecting peoples’ privacy.

The same sorts of questions could be asked about the whole blog thing. But, I don’t feel so guilty about that…obviously, since I have one of my own. As a “blogger” (interesting term…I wonder where the word “blog” was derived from?), I make a choice to put my life out there on the net for all to read. I take a risk about what to put in it and what not to. As a LJ kind of person, I like sharing certain elements of my life with others. The perspectives I get in comments are often very, very helpful, when dealing with certain issues. I also really enjoy reading others’ journals and blogs, and again, if they’re going to put it out there to be read, and I know how to get to it, then I’m going to probably read it. Actually, I need to be better about keeping up with my friends’ LJ’s, and start leaving some comments, as you all have been so nice to do for me.

So I’ve also been trying, unsuccessfully, to play with photos. G-rated, I’ll have you know, of ME in the studio, probably the only place where I can take good pictures. Problem is, I don’t have a good program on my Mac right now that will resize photos to where I can upload them to LJ or GCN. iPhoto seems like it will let you do all sorts of crazy things with slideshows and stuff, but I don’t have a decent program just for resizing and touchups. I don’t need Photoshop or some other high-end program, but I would like something simple and easy-to-use (for Mac) that would allow me to do some minor edits to pics, including changing BMPs to JPEGs and stuff like that.

I had better get my ass to sleep now. I have a big day tomorrow. I am headed to Bloomington to see David Sedaris, who’s doing a show at IU. I’m pretty excited. Ted is going along, too, which is even better.

I do have more substantial things to say than what I’ve written here tonight, but oh well, I’m just feeling very random right now, so this is what it is.

Random Update

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 12:49:27 GMT

Welp...for those of you who have been nagging me for an udate...here 'tis! I am just getting out of bed, and forming sentences is a bit tricky, so...we'll just do some bullet points this morning, how bout that?

- Had a good doctor's appointment yesterday, but I guess I need to loose about 10 lbs.

- I want to start swimming, but I don't have anyone to go swimming with, and I'm not going by myself.

- Public Radio fundraising. I think I'd rather have a cathater shoved up my dick. A few seconds of excrusiating pain is better than 9 days of it.

- I need to do laundry.

- I need to hang more pictures up in my house.

- I am praying for a tax refund so I can get back to financial stability and start planning some fun things again.

- I'm glad it's getting warmer.

- I'm so happy I got to talk to Christine-akka the other night!

- Ted is awesome. I miss him.

- I miss Damien; wish he'd stop hiding.

- I hate having crushes on people I shouldn't, and who are unattainable.

- C: Thanks for hanging out Mon. night. If I were dating women, baby...you'd be on my radar!

- Easter was awesome. Great church liturgies, good food.

- My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, but they caught it early, so they think she can be completely cured.

- Last month I was free of joint pain. This month, no such luck.

- Did I mention public radio fundraising? **HATE!**

The UU's, God, the Party, and "Freak Show Foley"

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:54:14 GMT

It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Well, I guess I haven’t felt like writing a whole lot. I have to confess to feeling a bit of depression. I’ve learned to recognize the signs: I’m not hungry, I can’t sleep, I have a hard time getting motivated, and I have some hopeless feelings. When I recognize these things happening, I can usually take a few steps to combat the problem, sometimes. The comfort I get, though, is knowing that it is physiological, and so I’ve started to place my depression in the pantheon with all my other health issues: “Oh, it’s that again. Okay. Well, I’ll wait for it to pass.” --That’s my sort of unemotional response to most of my medical issues.

On the other hand, I know that my previous entry was a bit emotional. That was not a depression-induced entry. Those are REAL ISSUES I’m dealing with, and they can “trigger” depression, but are not the result of depression.

So, I’m still fairly honked off at the attitudes of most gay men. I would like to find a way, though, to be a little more understanding, forgiving, and accepting. I do believe that gay guys don’t INTEND to hurt me. They just don’t know any other way other than to be shallow. It’s what gay society teaches them. So, it’s not ‘directly’ their fault. So, I should try to back off a bit, and cut guys some slack. I want to work on that.

Finally, I had the very pleasant experience of talking to a GCNer who has recently come back to the boards, and he and I seem to be striking up a little friendship. This has been really nice.

I’ve also gotten to talk to my college friend Ted more, and that’s been good. I always feel good getting to talk to him and spend time on line with him. Recently we’ve taken to watching the same TV show together and keeping a running commentary going. Recently, we’ve watched American Idol together and a couple shows on Sci-Fi. It’s been fun!

Well, I had my first BIG PARTY in my new house last week. My good friend Dan (mentioned early in this LJ when I was going through dialysis) just got a job at Oregon Public Broadcasting. This is the job he had hoped for all along, and he got it. He’s a lucky guy. Many aren’t so lucky, but Dan is one of these very persistent, steadfast, and downright stubborn people who are determined to get exactly what they want and nothing less – and he usually gets it, which is the funny thing. So…go Dan.

Anyway, I had his going-away party. I had about 25 people in my house here, mostly friends of his from the Unitarian Universallist church.

Oops, I have to digress again and talk about the UU’s: They’re very nice people, I have to say. Occasionally, I’ll even make an appearance their church. I have to admit that, while I do believe in Jesus Christ and all He did on earth, including the Resurrection, I also believe that there are other ways to finding God. I think our religious image of God is very, very narrow. I believe God is much bigger than any of us can possibly imagine, and God is so powerful, that he will reach and touch anyone, even those we consider “non-Christians” for the power of good, and for the completion of God’s Devine Plan. So therefore, I like the UU’s. They’re my friends, and in some respects, they’re as kind and good to me as any of my Christian friends.

So, there we were, me, Dan, Beulah Dan’s wife, and the UUs, drinking and having a great time. It was awesome, but it’s really strange having a large gathering of people you don’t know in your own home. It’s just kinda weird. But, it was fun.

My buddy Dan, however, is a bit of an avant-garde guy, and he has an appreciation for “different” art. You might even say, he appreciates stuff that’s sick and twisted. So, he invited a freak show performer to this party. Loren “Freak Show” Foley, as he’s known, is the son of a very prominent music theory prof on Ball State’s campus. So, hence, “Freak Show” Foley has gotten around, creeping out many around town, at talent shows, art shows, sidewalks, whathaveyou. So, Dan has enlisted this young man of 21 to do his “Freak Show” in my living room!

So…the show began with Loren sticking a series of long screwdrivers in his nose. ALL the way in. Next, he made a balloon animal, stuck it in his nose, and made it come out his mouth. Then, he stuck some screwdrivers in his ears, and swung a ball and chain from them. Next, he pulled out an animal trap and caught his hand in it, yet his hand was unharmed. After that, he put lit torches into his mouth….I would say about 5 of them. For his final trick, he stuck several hypodermic needles into his arms and swung heavy waited bottles from them! ACK! I never considered myself too squeamish until I saw this trick. Wow. Intense! And, really messed up!

Freak Show Foley did a pretty good job of cleaning up after himself. He really didn’t make that much of a mess, but he did spend lots of time cleaning up his “staging area” in front of my TV. I was satisfied. Then the next day when it was bright in the room and I could see the carpet well, I noticed a blood stain. Yikes! Not quite the souvenir I’d hoped for, ya know? I didn’t have any stuff for carpet stains, but my friend Tracie always said that Windex works on carpet stains, so I tried it, and it did a pretty good job. But, at this point, I’m still thinking of having the carpets cleaned. That whole freak show, while unforgettable, was just about at the edge of my comfort zone, or beyond.

But, I was happy that I have a big enough place to cram 25 people in. I really enjoyed the party.

I Finally 'Get It'

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 03:14:18 GMT

So tonight… I got stood up. I was supposed to meet this guy near my town at the local IHOP. I waited an hour-and-15 minutes and he never showed up.

This is par for the course for me in the last three years. Guys are just not interested. (Don’t judge me entirely by my current GCN Profile pic. It’s a BAD pic. It’s being changed. I look a little better now). But…I don’t know. I have reached a crossroads, where I really have to make a serious life decision: Do I continue to remain active in the gay world or do I forget it? It’s a critical decision.

Since 1991, I have been out. I have been open, for the most part, about being gay. I have been fortunate that I have had mostly acceptance from my straight friends, some family, and even people at church. So, I haven’t had to deal with the kind of discrimination that many here have gone through. I am blessed in that way. But what I have had to deal with is a different kind of discrimination: Discrimination and tons of rejection from other gay people, especially when it comes to in-person situations.

At 33 years of age, I have never had a relationship. I am fortunate to have a small circle of gay friends in town, but that’s all they’ll ever be. Just friends. Nothing more.

I could write a book on all of my rejection stories. I’ll spare you from reading them, and I’ll spare myself from having to recall them. All I can say is, of nearly 14 years of being out, I am now bitter and impatient. I am beyond angry with the standards that have been the benchmark on which we judge people. I have actually gotten used to being lonely – like one gets used to a smelly roommate that annoys the heck out of you and won’t go away. Loneliness is my live-in companion.

Many of you have been fortunate to be in relationships. Be glad. Not all of us have, and many of us may not reach that milestone. Some of us may just not be called to it. I’m starting to think that Maybe God has other plans for me, other than a relationship. I suppose I’m ready to accept and embrace singlehood, because I am certainly exhausted with being a miserable searcher.

The two saddest things in my life have been 1). Loosing my dad in a car accident in 2001, and 2). Being gay. Neither of those things have brought me any joy, no real joy anyway. If those two aspects could be removed from my life, I could say I’ve had a good life. You might be surprised that I didn’t mention the medical challenges I’ve had. Well, since I was born with them, I have always considered them par for the course….almost normal-like. So medical issues have never phased me.

I’ve had the good fortune to have great doctors, teachers, an wonderful parents, all who took a chance on me – who gave me a chance to have an education, to grow beyond my limitations – to become a viable, productive person. I’ve been fortunate to have a couple of employers who took a dare on me – who spent time nurturing me, even when I was very young, naive, and difficult, and very BAD at my job! I will always honor my first boss, Bruce, who took a big chance hiring me straight out of college. He eventually fired me, but he gave me a 9-month chance. I can’t think him enough for that chance. Today, I own a home and have a stable job…all because of…yes…a little determination from me, but none of it would have been possible without the people throughout my life who have given me a chance, who threw up their hands and said, “okay. We’ll deal with this Brian kid.”

It’s not like that in the world of gay dating. I have no advocates. I have no one willing to give me a chance in that area. In the gay dating world, we either make it on our own, or we don’t. No one’s going to “give us a chance.” No one is going to go out on a “mercy date.” It doesn’t work like that. In relationships, you either click or you don’t. Or should I just cut to the chase and say, you either are each other’s physical “type,” or there’s nothing. As much as I hate it, I now can say I accept that it’s just the way the cookie crumbles. And yes friends, THIS cookie has crumbled to dust.

But I can’t believe a loving God would intend it to be that way. I have been met with nothing but cruelty and shortsightedness when it comes to dating. Over and over again I have been beaten down by gay men. I have started to seriously think the Side B-ers indeed have it figured out. Maybe God never intended same-sex relationships. Maybe He knew that it was all based on superficiality, and that those who didn’t have what it takes to make it, would just loose out, and live out a lonely existence. I really question now if this is all God’s intent. I am at a loss to know.

The last thing I’ll say is this. I have a good friend at my church who is gay and wants to pursue a religious vocation. Prior to his decision, he was in a long-term relationship with another guy. He described it to me one time as “being like a marriage.” Then, he finally made the decision that God was calling him to a single life and a religious vocation, so he dumped his boyfriend and, for the last 3 years, has committed himself to the church, apparently without looking back. I want to ask him, if he does go into ministry, what is he going to say to the gay kids who feel so rejected, so mis-fit to be in the gay culture? People like me. I think it would be easy for my friend to tell someone, “Oh, just pray harder. God will provide for you. Try to focus on what you have, not what you don’t have.” Or, my favorite, “Well just be patient. One day, the right guy will come along.”

I have to shake my head here because, my friend dispensing this advice, and other gay ministers like him, have already “been there-done that” when it comes to relationships. He’s already achieved the boyfriend….already experienced the fullness of gay love in all its forms. So, it would be easy for him to tell someone, “Oh you just wait.”

You know, I’d like to tell my friend, and others in ministry who have been in, or are in, relationships…that there are a LOT of us misfit toys out there. There are a lot of us who don’t fit the mold and may never. There are a lot of us who are going to die alone. How dare you tell us to keep waiting! Where do you get off telling us to sit back and let God do His work? Fuck all that!

Please, I beg you…TELL US THE TRUTH! Tell us that what we need to do is kiss the dream goodbye. Tell us to forget about ever having a relationship, that our best hope is to take refuge and solace in our friends, work, and family. We can have friendships, we can identify as ‘gay’, but a real relationship will not be ours. So the sooner we can forget about it and accept being single, the happier we’ll be. You know, I would really hope that some people would be able to tell that kind of truth to us, because everyone who looks at me, and others like me, knows it’s true. Why not say it for God’s sake?!

I think the gay world is full of a handful of nice people and a whole lot of scum. But relationships serve as the ultimate gay judge. If you don’t meet today’s standards of cute, or today’s standards of “relationship material,” then ultimately, you’re not really part of the club. You can look in the window, but you can’t come in the store.

Okay, fine. I FINALLY get it now. I accept it. I hate that it took me 14 years to figure it out on my own.

Then Again What Do I Know - ONE: "Let Your Light Shine"

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 17:40:42 GMT

Below are the readings from the Catholic Mass this past weekend, followed by my commentary:

Reading I
Is 58:7-10

Thus says the LORD:
Share your bread with the hungry,
shelter the oppressed and the homeless;
clothe the naked when you see them,
and do not turn your back on your own.
Then your light shall break forth like the dawn,
and your wound shall quickly be healed;
your vindication shall go before you,
and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer,
you shall cry for help, and he will say: Here I am!
If you remove from your midst
oppression, false accusation and malicious speech;
if you bestow your bread on the hungry
and satisfy the afflicted;
then light shall rise for you in the darkness,
and the gloom shall become for you like midday.

Reading II
1 Cor 2:1-5

When I came to you, brothers and sisters,
proclaiming the mystery of God,
I did not come with sublimity of words or of wisdom.
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you
except Jesus Christ, and him crucified.
I came to you in weakness and fear and much trembling,
and my message and my proclamation
were not with persuasive words of wisdom,
but with a demonstration of Spirit and power,
so that your faith might rest not on human wisdom
but on the power of God.

Gospel
Mt 5:13-16

Jesus said to his disciples:
"You are the salt of the earth.
But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned?
It is no longer good for anything
but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
You are the light of the world.
A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden.
Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket;
it is set on a lampstand,
where it gives light to all in the house.
Just so, your light must shine before others,
that they may see your good deeds
and glorify your heavenly Father."

* * *

The readings this week are just power-packed with amazing lessons. I think they’re an absolutely CRITICAL wake-up call (perhaps, even a good kick in the butt?) for all Christians, but especially today’s young Catholics.

Here’s the deal. For the past three of four years, a very profound, conservative movement has swept the Catholic Church, particularly among young people. Instead of being in favor of contemporary liturgy, today’s 18-to-24 year olds prefer a rigid, pious, and traditional approach to worship. As such, these same young people spend a lot of time in prayer. They work to better themselves by attempting to live lives of purity and piety, marked by frequent fasting, attending retreats, generally withdrawing inward, and not socializing nor associating with many people outside their “community.” Mind you, these are people who, at least in my parish, are considered the cream of the crop students. They’re being groomed to be tomorrow’s church leaders.

I applaud their efforts. There’s no question that we all need to examine our lives, to spend more time in prayer, and to try to live lives that are edifying and moral. Bravo! I think that’s super. Seriously!

Here’s the problem though: These young people are being told that this is ALL they need to do to become more Christ-like, and to live lives that glorify God, in short, they need to be “the best possible version of themselves.”

Let’s disregard for a second that to think one could actually imitate Christ is awfully presumptuous, just as it’s equally presumptuous of me to cast judgment about what is Christ-like and what isn’t. What I want to get at here is that, in my view, Jesus was more than a contemplative, withdrawn person. In fact, I always had a silly notion that Jesus was anything BUT withdrawn, most of the time. Aside from the 40 days in the desert, he seemed to be mostly preaching, healing, converting, and teaching, staying at peoples’ houses, and doing lots of traveling. The guy seemed quite active. He was real and out there, going places we’d shutter to go, trying to convert people, trying to show them a better way to live their lives. He reached out to people and…oh-my-gosh…LOVED them! He brought hope, indeed A LIGHT FOR THE WORLD. Now…am I way off base here? Stop me if I am.

That’s what these readings get at. Be salt for the earth. Let your Light shine! Don’t abandon your own.

The problem I see with this new conservative movement of the Catholic Church is, it’s a lot of talk and not a lot of walk. And I really shouldn’t unfairly beat up on young conservative Catholics, because this certainly applies to us all to an some extent: We’ve been content to be a people of prayer, and to a much lesser extent, a people of action. Protestants have characterized Catholics as having “a lot of blow and no ‘go’.” I’m afraid in many cases they’re right.

Here’s an example: A prominent priest in our diocese leading one of these conservative groups, The Frassati Society, recently spoke out on email against the movie “Coach Carter” because he claims it supports abortion. This may be a fair assessment of that film. But how did he respond? He stormed out of the theatre in a huff, and sent out an email to his young, conservative Catholic friends in Frassati about how mad he was. Okay. I understand he’s mad. But what is he doing about it? I saw the email. He didn’t encourage the members of Frassati to go attend a Pro-Life rally. He didn’t organize an event to distribute anti-abortion literature outside the theatre. He didn’t write an op-ed piece in the newspaper, which would have given a public voice to his probably-valid gripe. But instead, he tucked tail and ran. His light wasn’t exactly shining that day.

At GCN, a gay Christian message board I belong to, we recently had a very traditionalist Catholic leave our group, because he thought that some were attacking “Mother Church,” and he just couldn’t stand to be part of a community that he felt was blasphemous. I never saw the threads in question, so perhaps the Catholic Church WAS being attacked. But what did this member do? Like the Frassati Priest, he tucked tail and ran. He left in a huff, and asked for his membership to be revoked. He didn’t stick around to defend what he called Mother Church. He left her out in the cold to fend for herself.

Luckily, I think the faith will be okay. I don’t think a few people on a message board will topple the Catholic Church. Just as, I don’t feel that movies like Coach Carter, nor do I think Hollywood in general, poses a staggering, severe threat of derailing Catholic teaching, as the priest I mentioned above so fervently asserted. But even if both these WERE serious threats, both of these individuals missed an opportunity to minister, an opportunity to be a Light for the World.

These are just a couple small examples of young, conservative Catholics resting on their lorals, hiding out peacefully in prayer circles and secret societies. I could cite several more instances – from a friend of mine refusing to have lunch with me because he was “fasting” to an entire group of people outright rejecting one troubled college student because she was “too difficult” to deal with. Today’s young Catholics are hiding their lights under a bushel basket, ignoring opportunities to be light for the world.

So back to today’s readings. They’re a keen reminder of the other side of living a Christian life. Jesus tells us in these readings to be people of faith AND action. It’s going out and, INDEED letting your light shine to glorify God, to give of ourselves (oh how easily we throw –that- phrase around and never really do it).

I can think of something beautiful and good to say about almost every Catholic I know, and each one of them has something so awesome to contribute to the world – so much genuine love, care, talent, energy, worth, and hope, embodied by so many people, if only they’d realize it, and see how much of a difference they could make, simply by putting themselves out there.

And let me say a quick word about our second reading. I often have trouble with the writings of Paul, but in this case, his words really apply to us today:

“…my message and my proclamation
were not with persuasive words of wisdom,
but with a demonstration of Spirit and power….”

Wow. That’s pretty amazing if you think about it. Basically what I hear him saying is “Be Real.” It’s not all about being caught up in ritual, ornate finery, kneeling, crossing yourself, sitting, standing, or saying 5 Hail Mary’s and a Glory Be. It’s about DEMONSTRATING something. Faith in action, perhaps? Gee. Imagine that.

And if I might take it to the next level, I think to pretend that we don’t have temptation…to pretend that we’re not really horndogs dealing with sexual urges every 2.7 minutes, to pretend that we buy into everything every church leader has ever taught us, AND…to misrepresent our true sexual orientation, is the same as tucking tail and running from the truth. God already knows our inner selves. No amount of fasting or self-deprecation is going to undo the reality of who we are, sins and all. So let’s be honest about it. Talk about it. Deal with it in the open, honestly and without reservation. Hiding our truth under a bushel basket will get us nowhere as people of faith. We’ve seen the effects of continuous denial with the priest abuse scandal. What other abuses and lies are we quietly living out in our daily lives, in our families, in our workplaces, and WITHIN OURSELVES that we’re not facing openly and honesty? Maybe it’s time to not only let our light shine, but to expose our darkness as well. I’m just sayin.

Now please do not misunderstand me. I value prayer. I value quiet, and I think introducing some elements of reverence and piety into our lives is healthy. But if that’s ALL we do, we’re not doing enough. If we shrink in the face of adversity, we’re not doing enough. If we ignore opportunities to reach out in loving ACTION, then we’re not doing enough. If we don’t face our own personal reality, we’re definitely not doing enough—not even the bare minimum in that case!

Sometimes, letting our light shine means stepping outside our comfort zone. And lest that sounds too scary, remember Jesus may not be calling you to hang out with lepers like He did. But, He may be calling you to have lunch with someone you find difficult to be around, or to donate time to a charity, to call up a friend who is hurting, to stand up--in a concrete, visible way--for your beliefs on abortion or other critical issues facing the Church, and to use your own God-given talents to better your sphere of influence.

Let your light shine. What good is the salt for the earth if it stays in the salt shaker?

But then again, what do I know?

New Focus for LJ...starting today

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 14:26:50 GMT

Hi there.

Starting today, I am going to start a series of on-line commentaries in my LJ. They are going to be religious comentaries, based on weekly Biblical readings from the Catholic Church. The series will be called "Then Again, What Do I Know" since I'm not a Bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination. But I have an opinion. I have things I want to say about the Church, and it seems appropriate that the readings from Mass would serve as a spring board.

Look for the first "Then Again, What Do I Know" commentary to appear later today. It's written. I just need to finish a few touches.

--Brian

My Wish List

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 09:14:51 GMT

• That I could wake up each morning with energy, and without any pain.

• That my job could be peaceful, and that people at work wouldn’t get all bent out of shape about dumb things.

• That I could discipline myself to consistently eat three meals a day.

• That I could make 10-to-15 thousand more dollars a year.

• That I could meet a funny, up-beat, cute gay Christian guy to fall in love with.

• That I could just go on a DATE, with about anyone, and hold hands with him for…oh…maybe 3 or 4 hours.

• That I wouldn’t be scared of sex.

• That the Catholic Church hierarchy would be more loving and accepting of all people, especially women, GLBTs, un-wed mothers, and those in our midst who are most in need.

• That people would sing more, in general.

• That my sister lived closer.

• That I could drive.

• That I could believe I was cute.

• That I could run the music program at St. Francis

• That I could be more out in the community and to my family

• That I could be more honest with myself, and the people around me, about what I’m really thinking and feeling.

• That I had more self-confidence.

• That I could sleep at night, like, really sleep.

• That I had an iPod

• That I could spend more time during the day working on music projects, and less time on radio.

Why Am I Such a Dumbass?

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 08:59:11 GMT

I had the opportunity to hook up with my cute roommate tonight, before he moves out tomorrow. But my conscience kicked in and I thought better of it. I couldn't tell specifically if he was pitching me an opportunity or not...it was so ambiguous, so I didn't know. But there's that part of me that was screaming inside to "Go for it!" But... I am the Eternal Chickenshit. Always have been. Always will be. And, while I know I made the right decision, my friend Dan is right I'll regret it.

I also yelled bad, nasty things at one of my closest gay friends this week. We're still not speaking. I am starting to fear I may have ruined the friendship, which effectively removes me from a group of Muncie's only decent gay guys.

The two situations above have monopolized my thoughts for a very, very long time. I am way too old to be this immature.

Reflections Sunday Night:

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 04:29:35 GMT

TREE FITS AND THE SEX BOOK

For the first time in perhaps two weeks, I feel like the pressure in my ankle is letting up. One thing since my transplant – gout takes a LOT longer to get over! UUG! But, today was the turning point, and while it’s not completely better, it is definitely moving in the right direction, finally.

My weekend was not as productive as I would have liked because of the gout. I had hoped to go out and buy a Christmas tree Friday. But various scheduling conflicts with drivers – and also my gout, forced lots of cancellations all weekend long, so I never got a tree, nor the rest of the decorations. So, it looks like that project will get moved to next weekend.

So...I debated on whether to get a real or artificial tree. I think I decided on an artificial one. Less mess, and less work. Still, there is something sentimental about getting a real tree….though…really upon further thought, the only thing sentimental about putting up a real tree are the memories of my mother cussing us all out and/or crying. My mom was never a big fan of putting up or taking down the tree. It was a HUGE source of drama.

And so, maybe the artificial tree is better. I mean, it’s the people AROUND the tree that makes Christmas, right? Not the tree itself. I don’t know.

Back to my mom…I just hear her voice in my head—every year she says the same thing: “I’m not having another fucking tree next year!” And, next year comes, and she has another tree, and she has another tree fit.

Such Yuletide joy in my mom’s house.

Well, so tonight was the Christmas gift exchange with my Sunday night dinner group. Last year, we sat around the piano and sang carols and exchanged gifts. This year, we went to a Christmas play that one of the guys played flute in for the orchestra, then we went back to Wade’s and had dinner, and opened gifts. I got a nice salt shaker for my house (too bad I don’t eat salt), and a nice bottle of wine…. which I’ll save for Christmas day (I’m keeping it hidden from my roommate.

One of the other guys is moving to Austria to be with his boyfriend, and so he was given this sexual how-to book for gay men. So...for two hours, we all sat around the dinner table doing read-allowds out of the sex book. Did I mention that last year we sat around the piano singing Christmas carols? We are indeed a diverse bunch. We laughed so hard, and learned a few things too. It was a little less than sophisticated, but we sure had a good time.

By unanimous consent, the most disgusting thing we read about was “feltching.” EWW! I mean, really…eww.

The other fun thing I did today was gather up all my favorite Christmas CDs and made an iTunes playlist of them. It is great. All my favorite songs on one laptop, totaling six hours of enjoyment. Fun stuff.

I’m just trying to do little things like that for myself to stay in the Christmas spirit, because I know that I will have a challenge ahead of me dealing with family on the actual Christmas Eve and Day.

Recent Ramblings

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 05:30:30 GMT

….Divided by Paragraph

Okay so I’m watching Leno and some guy is playing the guitar with an electric mixer. I admit, I laughed.

My Thanksgiving in Baltimore was good. Nice to see my sister. She’s a band director. I sat in and played euphonium with her high school band for the football game they played at. It was…a HOOT and a hollar, and cold as a witch’s tit!

Sometimes, I want to be straight, and/or celibate, because I am sick of gay guys’ games. Really sick of them!! And the huge well of anger inside of me has raged up again. I want to scream out. I want to be held for a few days. I want to cry in someone’s arms, and… I wouldn’t mind fooling around a bit. It’s a warped hodge-podge of twisted emotions I feel, with lots of unresolved pain, that I carry everywhere. Most gay people feel persecuted and rejected by the straight world. I feel persecuted and rejected by the gay world. I don’t know where that comes from; I don’t know how to fix it; and I don’t know how to resolve all the anger I have…about situations in the distant past, and situations as recent as this past weekend, involving a gay guy I thought was my friend. What a load of crap, and I just want to dig myself out of this huge pile of shit I feel trapped in.

I’m thankful for the circle of friends I have—most of whom are straight—who DO love, validate, include, and need me, and seem to enjoy me in their life. Thanks guys.

To many of the gay guys in my life – I love you too, but I don’t know how to connect with you better. It must be me, because there are many of you and one of me, and I’m the one who seems to have the problem.

I realize it is unfair for me to generalize and cast a wide net on all gay men. Let me clarify that most of the problems I’ve had in gay friendships or relationships have been with people on-line or on the phone. The gay guys who I DO socialize with presently and to whom I feel connected, are in-person friends, or people I’ve known for years, or met in college. I am really thankful for them. But I still fear that I don’t always measure up to them.

I have had bad insomnia the past two nights. I hope tonight I finally sleep good.

This past weekend, I bought the Olivia Newton-John Christmas CD, along with Clay Aiken’s Christmas album. Love them both.

MY Christmas CD comes out next Wed. I’m excited.

Dumbass Pacers/Good Weekend/Music to Me

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 12:30:02 GMT

So yeah…I live in –THAT- state…with the brawling Indiana Pacers. Boy oh boy. I think the players involved got what they deserve (long-term suspensions), and the Pacers are deservedly a marked team now.

But let me just say that this incident in the sports world should not represent the populace of our state. We’re all pretty nice people here in Hoosierland. I’m embarrassed though, because of what sports means in our culture. The entire state of Indiana now will long be associated with the stupid antics of guys who make 7-figure salaries. What happened to cordiality, class, and respect in sports? I’m glad I’m not a fan.

Well, in other news, it was a good weekend. I spent some quality sleep time, and some GREAT time with friends. Spent too much money on out-to-eat, but it was time well spent with friends.

I fly to Baltimore-Washington Wednesday afternoon to visit my sister for Thanksgiving. While I’m there, I had hoped to visit my friend James from GCN. However his work and family schedule, and my sister’s schedule, are making it very challenging to find a way to meet up, and that has added a tinge of frustration to my mood, on the heals of such a nice couple of days.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of music in my life. It’s really hard to put into words my feelings. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Christmas music this weekend (I know many think it’s waaay too early for that crap…I’m one of the odd balls that loves it). But Christmas music was my first understanding of music in general as a child. Christmas songs, and Sesame Street (sorry I can’t spell that) represent my first exposure to ‘music’ on this planet. So when I hear Christmas music, it takes me back to my childhood. I get VERY nostalgic. And that’s not even quite strong enough a word to describe the feeling. I’d go for “transcendental.”

That ‘feeling’ that I get is not just with Christmas music. I get it very much from church music, and other things. I was in a music fraternity in college – Phi Mu Alpha – and one of the Purposes we honored was “To instill in all people an awareness of music’s important role in the enrichment of the human spirit.” - I just love that! And isn’t it true? Isn’t that what music does—enriches us? For me it does. And that’s why I’ve chosen to protect my musical life almost like a fragile antique figurine on the mantel.

In college, trying to be a music major, I was forced to be so bogged down in minute details….chord analyzation, music theory, adhering to ‘someone else’s’ definition of composition, juries, technique, auditions, bad attitudes of directors and fellow ensemble members, deadlines, etc. And the biggie – being forced to swallow and embrace one school’s definition (in this case Ball State) of what is RIGHT and WRONG when it comes to music. It’s almost like being forced to accept religious teachings, which includes rejecting anything Ball State deemed “un-musical,” like mostly anything contemporary and non-classical. It got to be really ugly and unpleasant. Now don’t get me wrong, to be a good musician you need –some- technique, and some level of instruction. But for me, being a Ball State music major soiled my overall experience of music after a while. So when it stopped being fun, I got out, and jumped over to radio. I ended up graduating with a General Studies degree.

But…

Spending time producing my recent Christmas CD has gotten me to thinking about all that I gave up by not completing my music degree. If I knew more, if I had studied more, and if I cared more about fine details as a performer, I might be published by now. I might have a music career today, instead of music being just “a hobby.”

People tell me I’m a good musician, and I believe I could be. The problem is, I don’t have the personal intellect, patience, performance technique, nor marketing connections to make it in the big time. It’s not like I’m just a hack, but I’m certainly not Jim Brickman. (Okay—I personally think I’m better than him—but he probably came into his career armed with more than I have—hence he’s making money on his music and I’m not).

So…I shake my head and grieve for what could have been. But…what I’ve gained is a STABLE income from working in radio (as opposed to a non-stable, working musician’s pay). I’ve also preserved music as something fun in my life, something nostalgic and transcendental, and largely private. And I’ve been mostly okay with that.

Who knows. Maybe I can find a way to make some connections and gain some knowledge that would at least get me to the next level as a musician. But I’m not sure how yet.

Ho Hum

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 08:32:13 GMT

First of all, snaps to my pal Curtis for bringing me Taco Bell for dinner while I was on the air. That was awesome! And I was really hungry too. And I didn’t even drop the Chalupa. I ate them!

And thanks to my wonderful friend Ted for his hard work on my art for the CD! It is so, so cool. I can’t wait to get the finished product!

So Wednesday was a tough day. I felt depressed, lacked energy, and felt like I was on the verge of crying most of the day. I learned recently that these were all signs of “Cushings Syndrome,” a nasty little side-effect of taking steroids, which I have to do for the kidney, and for the gout. Some days I just feel really irritable for apparently no reason, like yesterday. Of course it also didn’t help that I only got two hours of sleep last night. I should be asleep right now, in fact. It’s just about 3:30am! But I woke up, and was so excited about feeling better…and more refreshed…that I wanted to update the LJ since I promised myself I would.

So…I have to be up in a couple hours anyway to re-mix part of the CD. It turns out I dubbed the songs I recorded here at a high level, and we have some digital distortion. I wonder if I can fix ths in iTunes without having to go back to the ProTools sessions. But..now that I think about it, I want to take the reverb off, so I do need to go back into the sessions. That’ll take an extra hour. Shit. Oh well.

I have labs this morning, then I see Dr. Breitenfield, my local kidney doctor, this afternoon. It’ll be the first time seeing him back in his office since the transplant. I’m a bit apprehensive. He was the one who put me in the hospital in the first place, after I was in denial of my kidney failure in March. But…hey…I am thankful for how well I was doing. I’m just embarrassed that I was in denial.

I think I am going to attempt a bit of sleep now.

I'M BACK!!! "Turning Inward"

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 05:28:17 GMT

I’m back on the blog!

Yeah…I know some people have been upset about my not writing. I am sorry. Those of you who do these know that there are times when you feel like writing, and times when you don’t feel compelled to do so. (Somehow I just want to start singing Donnie and Marie’s “Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes ya don’t!).

In the past several weeks and months, I’ve been in a period of…I don’t know…inwardness. For so long….so SO long, I have avoided my inner self. Wow…I’m already getting all new-agey!

But really. I have drawn so much strength from what I get from the OUTWARD world – affirmation from people – who am I going to get to go to dinner with….who will take me to the grocery store this time…what does my mother want NOW…why won’t this gay guy accept me…etc. And for what seems like years, that is how I lived. Outward.

Well, I don’t know what it is, but I sort of took a peek back into myself one day, once I recovered from surgery.

Maybe it was the beginning of October when we were scrambling around at work, getting ready for fundraising. I had moved a pair of computer speakers over to my bathroom—yes the bathroom—so that I could hook up my growing mix of iTunes favorites in Shuffle mode. So I set my laptop on the table outside the bathroom, and run the speaker cord under the door. Perfect.

So when I came home from those long days of fundraising in October, I really didn’t feel like being on line at all. Instead, I turned on my iTunes music, lit some candles, put some oils in my whirlpool bath, and just sort of…vedged. Went inward. And I’ve kind of been there for a while. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging much. I was visiting someone I hadn’t seen in a while – myself.

Myself didn’t look too bad. Sure…he’s still a mess. A pretty BIG mess indeed, but a manageable mess. A mess that can be cleaned up someday, maybe…or at least, tolerated for a while. He’s not as bad as I sometimes think he is. He’s an angry person, and he’s been hurt badly, but he’s also been very blessed with good friends, a great house, good co-workers, and maybe something special down the road—who knows.

Going inward has not been such a horrific experience. In fact, one thing I’ve learned is that privacy and being alone isn’t so bad. For instance, the bloom is off the rose in terms of having a roommate. I can’t wait to get this house to myself again. I’m sure I’ll be writing more about HIM in the coming days or weeks! Let me just say, it’s hard enough to live with someone you love….let alone someone you don’t love…and who drinks more than any human being I’ve ever known.

I still suffer some side effects of the medications I take…in fact I’ve learned that one of them, Prograf, may be escalating my ongoing gout problem, which continues to be a recurring and very debilitating condition. I also found out that the Medrol can cause depression, lethargy, and mood swings – all of which I experience. But, knowing those things may be caused by the anti-rejection and anti-gout medicines has helped me understand why sometimes I feel like I do. So that has brought a little bit of comfort…just in knowing the facts.

I don’t know if having the house or having the transplant has helped me achieve some of this peace with my inner self, but I’m thankful for it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not cured! Okay? I’m still a bitter, angry homo…and I have a lot of unresolved hurts. But they are healing.

So…besides work, I’ve been busy working on my Christmas CD, due out December first. I think I am going to use CDBaby.com as my online distributor, so that those of you not in Muncie Indiana can order a CD on line and actually get one! How bout that?!

The CD contains a song that I wrote for my kidney donor, Lee Ann. I really felt called to do something for her, and writing a song seemed like the most appropriate thing – though compared to giving a kidney, a song is hardly enough, but it is from my heart, so I feel good about that.

I’ve framed the message of the song with the Christmas message. The first line of the song is: “Not in a stable. Not in Bethlehem. Not just two-thousand years ago. Not just at Christmas time is Jesus born of Earth. When you reached out to me, you brought His love to birth.” It’s a duet sung by two fine male and female singers – Kyle and Erin. I could write pages and pages about them, but needless to say they’re great friends and very talented. Kyle sings lyrics written from my point-of-view, and Erin sings lyrics from Lee Ann’s point of view.

I have never sweated so much over lyrics of any other song I’ve ever written, and in general, I struggle with lyrics. So this one I REALLY struggled with. And that’s another reason I’ve really turned inward. I’ve had to come up with language to describe my feelings about this transplant, and that’s not easy….especially coming up with a coherent message that others can relate to. But one day at the piano, while I was waiting on a ride, I got the beginnings of it. I changed the melodic lines around a couple times. At first I was ready to give up because I just felt like it was too much of a corny song…and my mom told me not to push it…that even if I had to delay it, I should, until I could come up with the right words. But I told myself I wasn’t going to wait. I was going to get it done. And finally, FINALLY I did!!

We recorded the song (titled “A Miracle”) in a professional studio near Muncie. Then, Kyle and and Erin sang another duet – my mom’s wedding song – which I am putting on the CD under duress…but…hey…I don’t really mind that much. It kind of fits. The title of that song is, “You Were Sent” Then Kyle and Erin each sing two solo Christmas songs a piece.

The entire CD will be a mix of solo or duet voices, flute, and some solo piano. Twelve or thirteen songs in all. Mostly traditional Christmas stuff. I’m really excited about the CD.

So between my inwardness, doing the fundraising campaign, and producing the CD, I’ve fallen a bit behind on laundry, bills, and grocery shopping, and oh yes, writing in the LJ. That’s not good. I need to kind of come up out of it and start doing some Brian Chores.

So…about this blog. I originally started this LJ as a journey from dialysis to transplant. That is now over. Now, after what I think was an appropriate hiatus, I will start writing again. This time, the main theme will be the Holidays, and how they effect me. We’re entering a tough time for our family. My mother turns into the Wicked Witch, and you can safely replace that W with another letter nearer the beginning of the alphabet!

And it’s not just my mother. People in general get weird around the holidays. Part of why I’m doing this Christmas CD is so that there will be something about Christmas I can actually enjoy…because I’ve developed a healthy loathing for the holidays, thanks to my family. I mean, deep down, I love the holidays, but everyone around me makes Thanksgiving and Christmas miserable….every year.

So…this year my quest is to make it a better time for myself.

And along the way you’ll get to read my day-to-day ramblings: My routine, what I’m working on, what boys I’m crushing on at this particular hour, plus I’m sure I’ll drag out all my baggage and you’ll get to read about it all, again, just like on the other blog. So I’m sure there will be some repeating of issues!!!! --which is another reason I haven’t written much. So much of my life and problems are just Same Song Different Verse. And I haven’t wanted to write all of it again, nor bore you with it again. But…you’ve asked for it, so I’m sure you’re going to hear more of my crap—by popular demand.

I’ll probably update on Sunday and Wednesday nights, or whenever I have a need to write.

Enjoy, and happy holidays!

--Brian

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 11:10:21 GMT

Hi, LJ friends!

Sorry I have not been updating this. I will do so over the weekend, and it will be my final entry.

This blog was pretty much intended to be a saga of my thoughts and experiences dealing with kidney disease. Of course, I mixed in daily life stuff, and a lot of gay-related stuff, because that has all been part of it, too. But now that the transplant is behind me, I'm getting back to "normal" life, if there is such a thing, and I no longer feel so driven to write.

I'll keep this LJ on line for those who want to get to know me and read my thoughts about my 5-month ordeal. Otherwise, I'll be relying on email and the phone to stay in touch with you.

Again, look for my final entry toward the end of this weekend.

--Brian

THE BIG OPERATION

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 22:41:54 GMT

Finally, friends, I'm going to recount many of the events surrounding my surgery and recovery. This is a long entry.
----------------------------------------------

It’s been a 5-month ordeal. Yet it seems like an eternity. Still, I look back on initially being on dialysis, then receiving a transplant so soon, and my overwhelming feeling right now is simply shock. I am just so lucky, and I don’t know why I deserve it. Most people wait a LOT longer on dialysis before getting a kidney….more in the neighborhood of 5 years, not 5 months. And I didn’t just get any old kidney…I got a GREAT kidney, from an unexpected, amazing person who just happened to be a blood and tissue match. It just baffles me. Why has God granted me this? What is my purpose in getting back to health so soon? What grand plan does He have for me? What am I supposed to do in return for this fortune?

The other big thought that that’s been running through my head lately has been why I became so sick in the first place and the whole other flip side of my life, where I’ve felt perpetually stuck: And that is in the area of gay relationships. Since 1991, finding a gay relationship has been the most important goal I’ve had. Is it still? I’m not sure.

I’m beginning to see some things differently. I am beginning to really appreciate things in a new way – especially how richly blessed I am with so many great friends. Sure, I don’t have anyone to sleep with or fool around with, but I do have an abnormal amount of REALLY GOOD friends! There’s definitely something to be said for that. And, I got a kidney in 5 months! So…I guess this is God’s way of balancing things out in my life, and maybe that’s what I’m supposed to accept out of all this – to be thankful for what I have instead of wanting more.

Still…I can’t deny the fact that it was easier for someone to give me a kidney than it is to go on a date with me. I was humbled and blessed that a couple of gay people actually approached me privately and offered to donate their kidney. Yet, in 13 years of being out, no one has ever asked me on a date! To me, this is just as incomprehensible and staggering as everything else going on with me. I guess I can only conclude that I don’t have what guys want, and that I need to just accept my friends and enjoy the good life I have, without a partner. I sense that’s what I’m being called to, but I don’t know why or how I’m supposed to accept that.

There is one person out there in particular who I really, really like, and who may like me in return. I do wonder if there could be future possibilities for he and I down the road. But at this point, it is way, way too soon for either of us to pursue anything, and even if a relationship were to walk through my door tomorrow, I am still trying to sort my life out and get back on my feet. I couldn’t be fair to a partner right now to be in a relationship, with all the things I have yet to figure out.

But it’d be nice to mess around a little! I must be feeling better if I’m entertaining such thoughts huh!

THE SURGERY

So here I am, three weeks out from surgery and feeling pretty good. But I have to say the early part of the recovery was rough. After surgery on August 6th, I had a lot more incisional pain than I had expected. After my first transplant when I was 12, I had very little pain. In fact I think I was up walking that very night after surgery. That was 1983. Twenty-one years later, I’m 33, and I have had a bit more pain! Luckily I could push a button and give myself morphine as needed.

I was also more “hooked up” to things than I ever have been. When I woke up from surgery I of course still had my dialysis catheter, plus another central line on the other side of my neck—though not as bulky as the perma-cath, and a catheter in my bladder. I felt like a Borg! And yes, resistance was futile! (a little joke for you Star Trek fans).

But I think the freakiest part of the operation itself was them putting me to sleep. They had some problems. Well first I should mention that I didn’t really like my anesthesiologist. He was this Russian 30-something who was really cocky. Anyway, they wheeled me into the operating room—which looked just like the bridge of the Enterprise. It was a loud room with about 25 or 30 people in it. Since I didn’t have my glasses on the nurse was describing things to me. There were lots of buzzing and grinding sounds going on. When I asked about them, she said, “Oh, they’re preparing the instruments we’re going to be using today.” SHEESH! It sounded like they were sharpening scalpels and stuff. I felt like a peace of meat, ready to be carved up.

So back to them trying to put me to sleep: I was laying there staring at the three giant lamps and listening to the sounds of them sharpening the instruments, when Mr. Cocky says in his Russian accident, “We’re going to start an IV now so we can put you to sleep.” So he starts with my right wrist and tries to find a vein. Wipe…stick…wiggle…pullout. Attempt one to find a vein failed. He moved over slightly and tried again. Wipe…stick..wiggle…pullout. “I sorry” said the Russian Cockbite. I promise, last time.” He switches hands: Wipe..stick…wiggle…pullout. “Woops…couldn’t get that. I promise, this be last time.” Okay, well, about 6 or seven times later, he STILL wasn’t finding a vein in either wrist. By this time he’d called over some of his doctor buddies to help stare at my arms and wrists…all of them mumbling all the while “well, he’s been on steroids for years, his veins are quite rolly-polly.” Meanwhile, the electronic sharpening sounds are getting louder, more people are gathering around to peeer at the veins in my arms, and people seem to be looking a little grim.

So I spoke up: “Guys…why don’t you try using the CROOK of my arm for the IV. I’ve always had good veins there.” They looked surprised. “Humm” one of them said. Next thing I knew, they were wiping my arm and sticking in the needle. It worked! Let me just say at this point my surgeon wasn’t even down there in the OR yet. I guess the new way of doing things is they have the rookie prep team get the patients to sleep and all ready for surgery, and then the surgeon comes in, between holes of golf. I guess that’s how it is. I sure wasn’t impressed with this prep team though.

But eventually I got to sleep. They made me breathe some oxygen while they ran the anesthesia through my IV. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room, with that fun incision pain, stretching like a half moon across my right pelvic area.

As I said before, the kidney has been doing great. But I did have a little setback in the hospital, unrelated to the kidney. And this setback proved to be one of two big watershed moments in this entire ordeal, and in my life: I was doing great, and then on the Tuesday after surgery I was laying in bed, when suddenly I got this huge stomach cramp. I tried shifting my weight but it wouldn’t go away. And it lingered…the entire day! When my mom got there we tried walking around. I thought maybe it was some kind of gas pain, but usually I can work those out. This was hanging on and not letting go! I struggled to get comfortable the entire day. Eating was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but I tried taking two spoonfuls of soup (force-fed by my mom) and it was horrible. Mom finally left after I tried to eat, and just when I thought I was beginning to find some sort of comfort, the pain in my left lower quadrant of my abdomen roared back again—with vengeance. It hurt like nothing I have ever felt before. No gout attack was ever this bad in my life. There were no nurses around…no doctor to see me. I was just going to have to be in this severe pain—the most severe of my life. I couldn’t stay in bed. I tore off my nightgown, and I was just wreathing around on the floor….in unbearable pain.

It was then that I started to think about what Hell must be like. I actually did think of Dante’s Inferno, and likened my pain to that. I thought in that moment about my struggle being gay and wondering if this is God’s way to tell me to stop it. I thought of all the bad things I’ve said about people and/or done, and I thought that this was my punishment. This is God’s way of reminding me what REAL pain is. What I’ve experienced in my life up to that point has not been pain. No way. What I was feeling with my stomach, that was pain. Now I can say I know what it really feels like. Let me tell you I never want to feel it again, ever!

I eventually managed to get myself back into bed…probably just from exhaustion. I’m surprised I didn’t just faint. But I guess I was supposed to go through that. God must’ve wanted to teach me a lesson, and He did.

They finally figured out what was going on with my stomach. I was taken for a CT scan the next day, and they found it was Diverticulitis -- Inflammation of a small area in my colon. No one knows what causes this infection. The treatment for it is anti-biotics and a few days of clear liquids. This meant I was going to be in the hospital longer. I was told at this point that people who get diverticulitis usually just get it once. But if it were to occur again, they’d have to go in and remove the affected area of my colon! EEK! Well, this worried me. I certainly didn’t want anther operation, and definitely not on my colon! I worried and prayed a whole lot, but thankfully, the anti-biotics worked. The pain and the infection/inflammation gradually went away. So I was supposed to go home on a Wednesday night, and I ended up not leaving until Sunday late-afternoon.

The second watershed moment happened on the last day I was in the hospital. I was starting to feel good about going home. I was also having a series of conversations with mom about my roommate Luke. Luke was also moving in to my house on Sunday, the same day I was going to be taken home. I agree that this was slightly bad timing.

My mom has officially gone on record against me having a roommate, and because she doesn’t know Luke, she automatically hates him. And his moving in the same day as my discharged only fueled the fire. So I was getting quite an earful Sunday morning, because on top of everything else going on with me, Luke needed a key to get into the house. Mom took all of this as her responsibility, and then channeled her frustration back on me…in yelling and screaming. Great for my health, right? Well…it was about this point that I could feel my chest tighten…and I was getting a little short of breath. I completely blew it off, but as the day progressed, I started to feel all sorts of tightness in my joints…particularly my left shoulder. It kept getting worse and worse over a period of about 12 hours….when finally it was completely locked up. My gout, which we thought had been cured with the kidney transplant, had returned. I couldn’t move my left arm, and I was rapidly getting pain in the backs of my knees and feet. That morning, I told the doctor about it, and I told him I wanted more Prednisone, which he agreed to. But by the time I went through all the drama on the phone with mom, and by the time she showed up in the late afternoon to pick me up from the hospital, I was hurting BADLY! On top of that, she was still in a crappy mood, reminding me every 30 seconds how tired she was. Great.

So it just gets better. I was wheeled down to the lobby and out to the patient pickup area. Mom went and got the car. She loaded me and my stuff in, and then got into the car. She turned the key, and the car wouldn’t start! Truly, this was the icing on the shitcake of a day. My mom, of course, flipped…balling profusely in the arms of a random security officer from the hospital. We sat there an hour, figuring out what we were going to do. She changed her mind about six times. Finally, she decided to have her car towed. My stepbrother, Eric, lives in Indy near the hospital, so he agreed to take us half-way home, and Kelly came and met us, and drove us the rest of the way home to Muncie. Three and a half hours after my discharge, we got home.

I remained at my mom’s place that night and most of the rest of that week, enduring a week of mental abuse, her wild mood swings, and being treated like I was 8. My shoulder took a very long time to get better. The Prednisone helped the joints in my knees and feet, but didn’t do much at all for my shoulder. It was terrible not being able to lift that arm, and really, that was the second watershed moment for me. The next time I feel down in the dumps, I will remember loosing the use of my left arm—wondering how I’d ever type or play the piano again…and not really knowing what is causing this joint pain that no one can figure out. Indeed, there was a point I contemplated a life with a paralyzed arm…and how I’d never play the piano again…how I’d probably still be able to do radio, but the music was definitely out. Maybe I’d sing. Maybe I’d try to get some of my older stuff published. It was really scary.

But…gradually, my arm got better. Little by little, I was able to lift my arm more and more. Today, there is still some stiffness, but I have full use of my arm again, and the piano-playing is going great! I am seriously thinking of doing a Christmas CD.

So...I’m happy to be back in my house, away from Mom, and getting back to some sense of “normal”. Luke and I are getting along well. He does his thing, and I do mine. I’m glad it’s only for four months, but it’s nice to have someone else in the house, and he’s very helpful with running to War-Mart to get stuff, and doing anything I ask. Kind of like having a houseboy, but without all the fringe benefits! DARN!

So…I’m trying to make the most of this new beginning I have. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I’m sorting a lot out in my head, trying to re-prioritize, and trying to discern what the most effective use of my time is, what my goals are, what makes me happy, what should and shouldn’t matter to me, etc. But in the meantime I’m enjoying feeling good. Aside from the normal recovery stuff…having to rest more… being a little sore…I’ll tell you what. I feel like a new man. Perhaps that’s due to the fact that I have no more poison running around in my blood! I guess that really affected me more than I realized.

Oh by the way…if you’ve kept up with this LJ, you know that the thing I hated most about dialysis was having that catheter in my neck. Well, this past Monday IT WAS TAKEN OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ran out into the hospital hallway after the procedure to remove it, and held my arms up and yelled, “I’m free!!” Free at last indeed! It feels SO GOOD to take a shower without having to where a poncho over my shoulders!!!!!!!

So, onward I go…into this new birth that God has given me with Leanne’s gift of life.

By the way, Leanne did GREAT! She went home 48 hours after the surgery. The only thing with her is that I think she had some false expectations going into the surgery. I think she thought she was going to just bounce back quickly. Well, even though it was laparoscopic surgery, it was STILL abdominal surgery! There IS some recovery time. I think she expected to feel great within a scant few days, when in reality, it took her about a week-and-a-half to even begin to feel like her old self. She admitted this to me last week. She hadn’t taken any pain pills, and then decided to do so, and was surprised that she felt better after that. Ha! Well, that’s what an operation is. There’s a recovery time. But, thankfully she has no regrets about giving me her kidney. She and I do plan to do some public speaking on organ donation.

I am so grateful for my life. Even though certain things are a mystery, I am so lucky, and I am very very mindful of the preciousness of this new chance I have to live.

On the Heals of Surgery this Friday

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 10:07:46 GMT

I’m on the heals of my second kidney transplant. And to be honest, I can’t put my finger on exactly how I feel. With medical issues in my life, I’ve always gone into this kind of “quiet acceptance” mode. I think it comes from the fact that major medical things in my life have never been anything new to me. Betty, the counselor I used to see, called me at work yesterday to tell me good luck, but she mentioned she was “freaking out” on my behalf. Wow…spoken like a great therapist! But you know, I don’t want people to freak out. Freaking out is not going to help me get through this any faster. I want everyone just to live their life. Yes, be aware of me and my situation, but no hand-wringing is necessary. It won’t make the kidney work any better.

That all said, sure I’m a little scared. I’ve seen the reports on Dateline NBC and elsewhere about people waking up in surgery – paralyzed but can still feel everything. I do think a lot about the effects and use of the anesthesia. I wonder will I wake up from it, and when I do how much discomfort will I feel. I’ve kept trying to recall from my first transplant what I felt like when I woke up, and honestly I can’t remember too much from back then when I was 12. I do remember I was up and talking that night though.

Leanne is my donor, a friend from church. She will not be in the sane OR as me, but she’ll be in an ajoining OR. After they take her kidney out (and by the way, they are going to do a laparosopic kidney removal on her which is pretty cool, and will make her recovery time MUCH faster than was previously possible), they’ll carry it in a bowl of ice to my OR, where they’ll immediately put it into my body. The new kidney does not go in its natural place in the body—sort of behind all your organs almost in your lower back. Instead, the transplanted kidney is placed in my pelvis, real close to the bladder. You know how your pelvic bone makes kind of a bowl-shape? That is exactly where they put the kidney, and pretty much right below the skin, too. So the surgery is only somewhat invasive. So they’ll ‘hook up’ the kidney, and immediately it is supposed to turn pink and start making urine. That’s exactly what’s supposed to happen. Of course, I have a slight fear that I’ll wake up and they’ll tell me, “Well Brian, unfortunatelyh the kidney isn’t working yet so we’ll have to do some dialysis until it does.” I really don’t expect that. Although that’s what happens when a kidney is taken from a cadaver donor – the kidney takes a while to recover from being ‘off line’ for a long time. That’s why living donors are so much more preferred. Every moment a kidney is out of the body, even though they can be kept alive, the kidney deteriorates.

This is such a milestone in my life. It really is. But I’m still not sure how to process it. It just has to happen.

Looking back on the last 4-and-a-half months on dialysis, my only regret is that I was so busy that I nearly lost control. Hell at work, I totally slacked off. I think people were really wondering what the heck was up with me. But I was just doing too much – trying too hard. That’s why I am really looking forward to the break and the time off that the recovery phase will afford me.

I am mostly looking forward to having my dialysis access catheter being REMOVED from my neck! No one knows exactly when it will be removed, but it will be sometime before I’m dischared. Damn! I can’t wait! The first thing I want to do is take a whirlpool bath in my tub at home, where I will practically submerge myself in water!!! WATER! Oh water!! I cannot WAIT to be able to take normal baths and showers! I do hope that my surgical scar doesn’t pose a problem in that regard – as in – another delay of being able to take a shower or bath having to be careful not to get something wet. But…oh well. We’ll see. But yeah, that’s what I’m looking forward to most.

I have really REALLY appreciated everyone’s love and support. As a friend told me in an email, I am rich in people who care about me. I realize that. Even as whiny and lonely as I get, I think this period of time has shown me that I indeed do have LOTS of people who care. And I know how lucky I am. It still doesn’t take away my desire for a relationship—my burning need for touch, for real love and life-long companionship that I so earnestly seek, but I have said it before and I’ll say it again – my friends have sustained me…and my family too. Ironically, a friend is saving my life – she’s my donor Leanne.

I want people to really think about organ donation. It’s not enough to just fill out the back of your driver’s license. You have to TELL your closest family members and friends about your wishes, so if you’re in an accident and unable to recover, your family will have to give consent for your organs to be donated.

Also…if you know of someone on a waiting list for a kidney, find out their blood type. If it’s your blood type, you my be a match for them. You can find out your blood type for free by simply going and giving blood. They give you that as part of their report back to you after your blood donation.

If you have a friend or loved one on a waiting list, but your blood types DON’T match, it may be possible (depending on the state and the transplant program there) to donate to the “pool” of people on the waiting list with your blood type, who could use your kidney. This would probably be an anonymous gift. If you do this on your friend’s behalf, even though you’re giving a kidney to someone else, your friend or loved one will be moved to the FRONT of the waiting list! It’s really pretty incredible. As Leanne told me, she can’t fathom the idea of a person on dialysis “waiting for someone to die” in order to get a kidney. That’s why she was so eager to donate one of hers to me. As she says, “I saw a need, and I felt called to respond.”

Leanne is really a pretty amazing person. She has made a point of telling me that she’s giving me her kidney “unconditionally.” Wow! What a blessing. You know I was worried about that—about what she might think if I were to come out, and/or live in a way not according to the wishes of my donor,. Well, no worries there. Leanne’s a staunch democrat!!! She’s pro-gay, pro-everyone’s-rights, and so open-minded and awesome about so many things.

I am truly blessed. And I know my dad, God, and all my family and friends will be with me in the coming days and weeks.

The House...!!

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 12:53:21 GMT

I know I haven’t updated in about a week but there’s not much new to tell. I am LOVING…absolutely LOVING my new house! I still can’t believe it is mine. Wow. Double-wow!

I think my favorite room is the kitchen. In the morning, the sunlight comes pouring in and shines on the wood floor. It’s a big kitchen too, lots of room, and I can sit here at the kitchen table, have my coffee, listen to the radio, and read on line publications, answer email, etc.

I am also really wanting to try some cooking. I need to go to the store first though. I have this new recipe for French toast that I want to try; maybe I’ll see if Dan and Beulah want to come over for that tomorrow. Dan loves breakfast food! Of course, he’d probably want to add hot sauce to the French toast….he adds hot sauce to everything.

I wonder if I’ll ever sleep better. My bedroom is dark. This whole house is covered by shade trees practically, and my bedroom is the darkest room of the house. That’s great in a way, but I’m strange in that I much prefer to see the outside world, and more natural light. Maybe that’s why I am not sleeping that well. I don’t know.

This past Thursday, the piano arrived. My uncle Rick and Aunt Jean have had all but one of their 5 kids move out of the house going to college, so they’re downsizing. Last year they offered to “loan” me, permanently, their baby-grand Kawai piano…which, incidentally, is what got me to start house-hunting, as I couldn’t put the piano in an apartment. Well, a year later, I have a house, and now, the piano. It’s just amazing. I anticipate lots of new songs will be composed on it. Though for the past couple days, I’ve been playing Christmas songs on it, since my next CD is going to be a Christmas CD.

I still have one big dilemma with the house, and that is, right now I have no real guest room. I am getting a roommate this fall—Luke…a BSU student who worked in the front office at the station. He’s a good guy. But he’s taking the second bedroom, and the third bedroom is going to be where I put my recording equipment. So…that leaves no room for guests! ACK! This is a problem. I do have a futon though, and since I don’t have enough furniture for my bedroom, I am considering putting the futon right in there. But...I feel bad because I would like my guests to have their own space. Luckily, in December Luke will vacate, and his room becomes the official guest bedroom. Maybe until then it just has to be that guests can either sleep on the futon in my room or out on the sectional in the living room. I’ve slept many times on both—and they’re both very comfy. I just would feel weird about asking guests to sleep in my room—(unless they prefer to sleep in bed with ME…in that case, no problem!). ☺

So that’s about it. My kidney transplant happens in two weeks, and I’m eagerly anticipating it. People ask me if I’m nervous; no. I just want to get on with it, so that I can start recovering, and so I can get my life back.

To those of you who are wondering why I haven’t commented lately on other LJs: Please forgive me. I AM reading your entries; I just have not had a chance to leave comments.

Sunday

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 18:35:39 GMT

I’m moved in to the new house. It is really cool. It’s a lot more space than I’m used to living in, though, and it may take me some time to get used to sleeping here. I am very aware, especially at night, of how big the house is, with only ME living in it. And I hear EVERYthing, from the air conditioning going on and off, to other outside noises, to the stark silence. The silence of this house is really quite something. When the air conditioning is off, it is deathly quiet. I keep waiting for a big THUD or something, so it’s a litttle unnerving. I was happy to get cable so that I can have a TV on, just for some sound. I just hope I stop having bad dreams soon. Yeah, I’ve been having bad dreams every night since I’ve been here. Kind of un-cool.

I’m also far from being unpacked. I’ve been so drained from everything that I just have needed to take a day or so to chill out. This afternoon I should unpack some more, but I rented a couple of Sci-Fi movies to inaugurate my new surround sound system, so I may watch the second movie this afternoon instead of doing the work I ought to do! Oh well...

But last night, I watched Star Trek Nemesis on DVD. Now that I have a house, I am free to turn up the volume as loud as I want. As the Enterprise flew by, the whole house shook! It was totally kick-ass! I’ve been a Star Trek fan since I was a little kid, and I still am today. Granted, I don’t have a collection of Star Trek stuff like I’d prefer, but I enjoy the show. On Friday nights, they show two-part episodes of DS9 on Spike TV, and that has been a great way to pass the time on dialysis.

So the second movie I rented was Star Wars Attack of the Clones...basically because I want the sound of more ships flying by in surround sound! You can’t have too many space ships flying by nor too many in-flight battles!

Despite the excitement of everything going on, I am a little down this afternoon. It’s Sunday. I am normally with my mom on Sunday afternoons but she’s at the lake (which is quite alright), but I couldn’t find anyone to have lunch with. I really hate eating lunch by myself on Sundays...in fact I loathe it passionately. It reminds me of my lonliness...of knowing that everyone and their spouse/partner is eating together today and not me. This is when I feel really left out. My music director at church mentioned that his wife will have brunch waiting on him after church.. Shit...must be nice. I asked several people if they wanted to have lunch and everyone “had plans.” ...none of which, of course, included me. It’s pretty evident to me of where I fall on many peoples’ priority list. I generally don’t rank real high up there on the social latter. I suppose it’s my on fault. I should have started Wednesday trying to make plans for this afternoon.

So despite all that, I talked myself into being happy about coming home to make some chicken wings and Mac-n-Cheese, while sitting watching Attack of the Clones (wow am I just a nerd or what?!)....granted, I was excited. Then I came home, opened the freezer, and no chicken wings! ARRrrrg! So I just now ordered a pizza from Papa Johns (Don’t get too excited James...but our Papa Johns pizza boys are cute here too!). Pizza is not really what I want to eat, but if I can’t cook chicken wings, I’d rather not cook at all. Sorry...I know that’s being a diva, but oh well. That’s me. No company, no wings, no cooking.

New House, and soon, New Kidney!

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 04:49:13 GMT

This’ll be my last night in my apartment. I’ve lived in this building 7 years: Four years in a 1-bedroom apartment downstairs and three up here in this 2-bedroom. It’s been a good place for me.

I checked out the new house earlier this afternoon. The previous owners are still there, and they’ll be spending their last night tonight. Ideally, I would have liked for it to sit empty for a period of time. I would have preferred to add some carpeting in this one room (I have wood floors), but that’s not going to be possible. So literally, the Coles will move out; and I’ll move in, the same day. Blech! Oh well. Hey, I’ll be in. It’ll all be fine. Hey…they had the carpets cleaned. That’s definitely good!

I will try to post some pics of the house as soon as I can, and as soon as I learn how to post pics on here! It’s a 4-bedroom house (why I need 4 bedrooms I don’t know…maybe so I can make love in each room! Hehe). It will also be the first time having my own washer/dryer and DISHWASHER!!! So, I’m pretty excited. This is a big step, but I can’t wait!

I have allowed my mom to help me pack my apartment. I knew I would get an ear full and I have, about my personal living habits. My mom is OCD about cleanliness and organization. Trust me when I say that she is abnormal. This is a woman who, at 10pm decides she needs to vacuum. It’s kind of sick. Her house is immaculate…and she thinks it’s a pit. So, imagine the scene of her coming into my apartment, where, I admit to not being the most organized person in the world. In fact, I’d say I’m a bit of a slob sometimes – not intentionally, but I’m not always home to keep things quite as nice as I would like. Well, she’s kind of freaked out a bit. But, it’s not unbearable. I’m sure once I get into my new house she’ll forget about it. I hope so, because I won’t stand for her hovering! But, I have to say she has really helped me, and I will allow her to “organize me,” getting into this house. If I do say so myself, she is quite good at organizing. It’s her thing I guess.

And in case you wondered, yes, I DO plan to keep things neater in the new place!! So hold me to it.

So not only am I getting a new house, but it appears I am getting a NEW KIDNEY too! Yes, I’m very pleased, but very humbled to say that a lady from our church—Leanne—has decided to donate, and, she’s a match. She’s also passed just about all the tests she needs to pass to be given a green light for surgery. The docs in Indy are so confident in her that they have scheduled surgery. It is to take place Friday August 6th. As I said, I’m pretty blown away by the fact that she’s the donor It’s really quite something…and I’m very fortunate. This means I’ve been on dialysis less than 5 months. How did I end up so fortunate? I guess God has something he wants me to be doing.

For as much as I do complain about my life, and I am not saying it's not legitimate, but it does feel good to go to sleep tonight, knowing I’ve bought this great house, and knowing that I have a kidney on the way. It is good to be feeling pretty on top of the world for a change.

Mommy Dearest...

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 17:53:18 GMT

Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother. But there comes a point in a grown man’s life where…enough is enough. I need my own life!

It’s Sunday afternoon, and once again I’m getting ready to spend the next 5-some hours with her – being bored. There are so many other things I could be doing, like finishing the next GCN Radio, doing laundry, writing my next dialysis audio diary, packing for my move, sitting around watching the Sci-Fi channel…. Many things.

I am limiting our time together to 6pm, at which time I’m just going to say I have to get back into town for some other plans with friends. Granted I don’t have any right now. It’s the 4th-of-July and everyone has run off. This may be the first 4th where I haven’t gone to see fireworks (I am still a kid at heart when it comes to fireworks – I
love it). But oh well.

My hope of hopes is that I will one day have a partner and/or family of my own, so that I can do stuff with them on these holidays. My mom is great, but she doesn’t know me like my friends know me…yet she is the one desiring the emotional connection, and my friends aren’t.

I suppose I can’t complain too much. I did spend a really nice day yesterday with some college friends—Mick and Julie. They were passing through visiting friends in Indiana and stayed with me last night. It was really great to see them, and it reminded me again of just how bonded I am to my friends from college.. Unfortunately most of them are far away.

Speaking of college friends, I have gotten reconnected with a really great friend from Bloomington. He and I are spending lots of time on the phone chatting, and that has been nice. He is a really special person to me, and I am glad that we have gotten to strengthen our friendship in these last couple months. Unfortunately his life is a bit of a challenge right now – with his boyfriend breaking up with him after 12 years. So I hope I can be a supportive friend right now and always.

So I wish I had a day “just for me” where I don’t schedule anything. If I wanted to sleep all day, do work all day, watch porn all day, vedge in front of the tube, travel to an undisclosed location, or just do nothing, that I could have just one day out of the week dedicated entirely to ME, and to nothing else. It would just be an 8th day of the week. I would call it “Briday.” Now I know that would really screw up our world calendar, but hey…I am all about making the world mine, so what the hell!?!

This week I have to start packing. I am just going to go room by room—closet by closet—and throw shit out.

Ouch!!!!!

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 13:58:09 GMT

I’m too young to be dealing with arthritis! Gout is a form of arthritis. I don’t think its possible to describe the pain, but imagine if you slammed your leg in a car door. That’s kind of what I’ve been experiencing for the past 24 hours or so. In the car door example, the pain would eventually subside. With this kind of severe, chronic gout, it doesn’t subside. It just lingers on.

Thankfully I can take Vicodin for it, and that does take the edge off the pain a bit. However, today I went to dialysis. The Vicodin made it possible for me to get out of bed to get to dialysis, but the treatment dialyzed out the medication. So, needless to say getting out of the chair after 3-and-a-half hours was…well…challenging. That, and my blood pressure had also dropped at the end of the treatment like it tends to do at times, so I was in severe pain, dizzy, and short of breath! Yeah, I was a mess. I think the dialysis people were pretty freaked out.

But I’m not the kind of person that really shows that I’m in a lot of pain. Well, the nurses knew. I did not make it a secret. But by the same token I don’t scream or cry or carry on. But the upshot is that I don’t think people really know just how terrible some of this pain is.

I finally made it home, but I couldn’t walk on my own. I had to have my friend Dan help me up to my apartment. It was really embarrassing….but he’s a super friend. I want to do something special for him when this is all over.

The only thing that helps these severe gout attacks is Prednisone. So I took 24mg of it. I feel better now, but I’ll have to continue the dose and back it off gradually over the next few days. I hate that I have to use that stuff, but it works, so I’m going to use it.

There is a new drug out there that the IU Med Center is suggesting I try, but it is experimental and we’re not sure we’re going too try it. But it’s an IV drug that’s supposed to rapidly reduce all the uric acid in my body—which is what is causing the gout. I’m waiting on the doctor to make a final decision on it, and then ultimately it will be up to me whether I want to take it. I’m inclined to take it though – at least it would be something to try to get rid of these pain attacks….which at this point are occurring about every two weeks.

So meanwhile, life goes on. I think people at work are starting to get impatient with the amount of time I’m taking off. None of it has been illigetimate though. And for that matter, there are several other individuals whose schedules should be examined under a microscope before mine. But still, it concerns me. I need to keep this job! If nothing else, for the insurance!

So I move in two weeks. Suppose I should start packing?!

Donor News

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 14:55:52 GMT

Just a quick update on things before I head into work, and I can expound a little more tonight on dialysis when I have some more time to write.

A lady from my church, Lianne, has now emerged as the frontrunner to be my kidney donor. Her tissue typing results finally came back, and she is a match. HNow…they’ll finally get around to checking her kidney function and her other medical records (they do this all so backass-words, you know?). The doctors must be feeling confident about her as a potential donor because they have given her a timetable of events, should all the rest of her tests come back normal. Basically, she’ll have her Createnine Clearance run (a measure of how well the kidney removes waste from the body), plus other blood work, and an MRI scan of her kidney. If these sets of tests all come back normal, then they’re saying I could be in surgery in the next three of four weeks! Wow! That is quick. This means that I need to hurry up and move out of my apartment and into my house in at least two or three weeks. Eek-Gad! But it is exciting to think that dialysis could soon be coming to and end.

Still, I am not going to get my hopes sky-high, only to have them dashed. We’ve gotten almost this far with Karen—our previous frontrunner, and while she was a match, they ruled her out because of her high blood pressure. So…basically if the medical tests aren’t perfect, the donor is dismissed….and rather disingenuously I might add. There’s a real emotional rollercoaster at play here. Everyone’s on top of he world when things are looking good, and then suddenly, one test is one point off, and that’s the end of it. There’s a real let-down then, especially for the donor. So…I think the phrase “cautiously optimistic” comes to mind.

Anyway, time for work. I have taken a lot of time off to get ready for the wedding and such…and other things…and people are starting to look over my shoulder. So I really need to spend some time at my job. Having and keeping my benefits at the University is “rarther important” right now.

Servant or Slave?

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 07:50:11 GMT

I just finished editing the next GCN Radio. It’s a great edition this time…someone from the message boards. While I have loved having our celebrity guests, and there are more of those on the way, I have to say that I feel more comfortable interviewing people from the community. I like that “getting-to-know you” connection. I know that Justin is more the intellectual, and I since he’s gotten a rise out of having some of these bigwigs on…which has been great as well. That’s why I think we make a great pair to host this show because we both bring such different skill sets to the table…and for the most part it’s complementary.

My vacation in Bloomington was short – TOO short! I was back to work Monday and I got slammed with work, and tons of interruptions, so I couldn’t get anything done. Then of course, this is mom’s big wedding week. I pooped out a song for her too! How about that! That wasn’t so hard, really…just a laxative and a margarita, and plop! From out of my ass comes a song!

Actually, that’s how people think it works, but it isn’t.

Writing music, for me, is a process that I really have to get into a spiritual space for, and sometimes getting into that space is hard. Then if it’s a commissioned work, like mom’s piece, you have to force yourself into that “zone” under duress, and that gets REALLY unnerving. Some people can belch on command. I will if forced—but it’s a struggle.

But I got it done. I actually did most of it on dialysis. But now that it’s done, I’ve been trying to add alto and tenor vocal harmonies, plus a bassoon and flute part. I am horrible with music writing software but luckily this is something my sister is good at, so she’s been a godsend. But I was still forced at gunpoint to compose a tenor and alto part on the fly today. That was rather bothersome, but I did it anyway.

I used to love deadline pressure. In some ways, I have to confess I still do. But one thing that’s happening is that the stress of these projects is heightening my anger about all my problems being gay. I guess because it goes back to “I’m doing all kinds of work for other people and people aren’t paying attention t me” sort of thing – which I guess really isn’t a gay problem. It’s a problem of me turning into MY MOTHER! --something worse than being gay, trust me. But really… I want someone to send me flowers…to take me out for a nice meal, just because. I guess I’m just feeling like I want to be appreciated for who I am and not for what I can do. A lot of people have written and posted some very affirming and loving things to me, and that is awesome. Funny though, they aren’t the people I’m doing things for. That doesn’t mean I discount them at all; I just find it puzzling that in some peoples' eyes I’m a servant, and in other peoples’ eyes I’m a slave. Big difference in connotation.

I used to think that by offering my talents and skills to people (particularly to other gay people), that they would see that those were good traits I had, and then they’d see my other good traits and begin to like me for me….maybe even date me. Instead, what’s happened is that people have just taken advantage of me. They know I’ll do things for free, so they count on me, and then it throws then for a loop when I get resentful. I guess the lesson for me is to stop offering to do things for free. Or if I do, to stop expecting anything in return. –AH there’s the clincher.

So I don’t know. I don’t want to be down, but I’m just feeling like a carpet right now. My family and my coworkers being the only exceptions. They’ve all been outstanding. Just certain other folks who I feel have not been terribly grateful, or sensitive. And again, I know some of that is of my own making. But I’m low on energy and high on stress right now, so I don’t have a lot more to give out. And I’d like to take a little love IN right now.

Yes, my LJ is where I whine.

Doin' it ALL!

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 03:50:39 GMT

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in here. Things have just been crazy. I know that probably has a familiar ring in everyone’s life, but it occurred to me this week just how busy I really am:

- I am trying to work full time. Ironically, I have the most flexibility with my work schedule. I have tons of vacation and comp hours available to me, and my boss and co-workers pretty much let me set my own schedule, as long as I’m there when I’m needed, and as long as all the announcers have everything they need. Plus I come in on weekends and other hours to fix things that no one else wants to touch. Everyone has also been very supportive and concerned about my health, and they all want me to take care of myself. So if I need to take a day off, like today, they don’t really mind. I feel EXTREMELY lucky to work there!

- I am doing GCN Radio. I know I’ve said this is an exciting project, but it bares repeating because it really is! Sure there are some frustrations, but for the most part I feel very blessed to be able to do this for GCN. It is a national production with a high listenership, it’s innovative because it’s on the Internet, it gives me a chance to do some of my best work with radio sound, and I feel like the shows are making people happy. It does take a lot of time though. The current episode with Ralph Blair involved probably 10 hours of editing—because he was very nervous during the interview and we had to cut out a lot of “uhhs” and “umms.” The show sounds good now, but that interview did NOT sound like that raw.
I know Justin would like me to be ale to turn these shows out once a week, and that’s what I want too. I just wonder how possible that’s going to be, given everything else.

- I’m producing “Dialysis Diaries” for that radio show in Indy. I got my first one done early this week. But this is something that could be HUUUGE for my career. AND…they’re paying me generously for each report. I figure I’ll try to do as many as possible! The first report airs July 11th, and after that it will be available on line, and I’ll post the link at that time.

- I’m buying a house and getting ready to move. We close on the 29th of this month, and right now it looks like I’ll be moving in on the 17th of July. It is exciting, of course…but…it’s a MOVE…which you know means lots of work!

- I’m planning my mother’s wedding music and writing an original song for it, complete with melody, harmony, a flute, and bassoon part. Yes, I finally got those stupid lyrics written tonight while I was on dialysis. It really didn’t take that long once I sat down to do it. I still need to make a few calls to musicians. Luckily, it’s all easy stuff we’re doing. But I need to dry-clean my sport coat and all that fun stuff, get a haircut, and get in gear for a wedding next Thursday night June 24th. They’re having it on a Thursday night because so many people are going to be gone on the weekend, and they wanted those people to be included in the wedding.

A lot of people ask me what I think about my mom getting re-married. Well, I think it’s awesome. I know my dad would want her to be happy. I mean, okay it’s a little freaky to think of my mom married to someone other than my dad, but you know, it’s okay. It’s a good thing. She is taking his last name though—and that’s simply going to take some getting used to. My biggest worry: They both have baggage, and there’s no way of telling how that’s all gonna effect their marriage. The guy is a previously-twiced divorced alcoholic with 3 kids: 1 from his first marriage and 2 from his second. He was sober when he met my mom. Now he drinks a couple glasses of wine at dinner (my mother has this effect on people). Yeah..I’m not too happy about that, but he seems to be under control and all. My mother very much dislikes one of his kids. This is REALLY not cool at all, and they’ve had many fights about it. My sister and I have both told mom she needs to totally get over that and not bring it up with him. It’s just not cool. But I am happy for my mom; she deserves to be happy. And what’s more, if she’s got someone to take care of her and emotionally support her (this is a challenge I can go into another time), then that’s less I have t worry about.

- I’m doing dialysis. This is like having a second part-time job. It’s a 12-hour commitment per week. Things have been going pretty well with the treatments, although yesterday I experienced some shortness of breath at work and some low blood pressure. I didn’t crash or anything; just random, mild discomfort. The dialysis nurse said tonight they’ll watch it and for me to let them know if it happens again.

Okay… I’m watching “Last Comic Standing” on NBC. Damn! THE GUYS ARE CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --Just had to say that.

So… all of this is going on. Shit! I’m busy! But more than that, I’m REALLY TIRED! People have absolutely no idea how tired I am. I’m actually not as physically tired as I am emotionally tired. There are times I just stare at the computer, or the light, or out the window…just…sort of in a trance. I am just…so spent! I do wish I were less busy, but at the same time, everything I’m doing is very important to me (and to everyone else). I have a lot of obligations to others. And I don’t feel I can drop them now. Plus I have to admit that most of what I’m doing (except dialysis) makes me happy.

Now I don’t want to whine but if you look at the reverse, you find that no one is really responsible for ME, except, me. And that’s fine, but there are times I feel so alone, and like I wish there would be someone there to tell me it’s okay. I have a SEVERE lack of touch in my life. I am lucky to get a hug once a week, if that. And it’s always very platonic, very brief…like anything you could do in a public place. Heck…I want a DEEP hug…something that lasts a while. I would just love to be able to sit and cuddle for…oh…a few hours or so, or to fall asleep in someone’s arms – to be nurtured in a loving way – from someone other than my MOTHER! That would help a lot. I’d love to receive flowers, but I don’t even have a vace to put them in! I know I’m being selfish, but I just like for someone to do something for ME, to sort of even out all the shit I’m doing for others. Yes, people have offered to help me, and I really appreciate it – I often take advantage of it. But it’s that whole emotional support thing—and touch—that I’m not getting. So that just makes everything harder.

But I’ll survive everything. I always do. I continue to wow people with what I am managing to accompish…and I keep thinking to myself, if you only knew what it really took to do it all.